The Gerhardt
Foundation
You wondered how far I’d take the bit.
Welcome to the answer.
A fictitious luxury fan club that bills its most distinguished members $1,450 a month — slowly becoming a very real foundation for brain-cancer research.
It began as a thank-you no one asked for.
For years I have thanked the people closest to me for their loyal membership in Gerhardt Groupies LLC — my fan club. Their generosity is remarkable. At the Double Diamond Deluxe tier they contribute $1,450 a month, billed discreetly to the card they keep on file.
There is, of course, no card on file. There has never been a payment. The club is not incorporated, owns no website, and employs no staff beyond a devoted front-desk assistant who does not, strictly speaking, exist. The invoices go out anyway. They always have.
It was the kind of joke you keep going purely to see how long you can keep it going. And then it occurred to me that I could point all of that ceremony at something that actually matters.
Why the joke is worth telling.
At twenty-two, I was diagnosed with pineoblastoma — a rare cancer of the brain. I survived it. A great many people with my diagnosis do not.
What I carry from that isn’t only gratitude; it’s a debt. Survivor’s guilt is a strange engine, but it is a powerful one, and I would rather it built something than sit quietly. So the ridiculous fan club becomes a genuine vehicle: The Gerhardt Foundation, raising money and awareness for brain-cancer research.
The plan is simple, and it will grow far past simple. Absurd dues from those who love a good bit. Real support from those who wish to give. Every actual dollar aimed at the research that decides who survives the next one.
The longer version of this story lives at bookofsebastian.com.
Choose your seat.
Three tiers priced like a real fan club. One you must apply to endure.
- The Sunday letter
- On the rolls, unbilled
- The front door, open to all
- A numbered member card
- Your name in the credits
- You fund research, for real
- Member card + enamel pin
- A vote on what we fund
- Behind the velvet rope
- Red-carpet access
- The ear of Mr. Gerhardt himself
- Billed to the card we do not have
“Your account remains in impeccable standing. The children thank you.”
— Deborah, Front Desk
Deborah runs the club: the Sunday letters, the monthly invoices, the disputes she resolves with warmth and total fabrication. She is the entire (one-person, non-corporeal) staff, and she takes the position more seriously than anyone reasonably should.
The Future of The Gerhardt Foundation
| Members billed with full ceremony | Several |
| Invoices issued to date | Ongoing |
| Cards genuinely on file | 0 |
| Payments actually collected | $0.00 |
| Brain-cancer research funded so far | $0 — for now |
| Ambition | Unlimited |
Every figure above is true. Two of them we intend to change.
